Murderous Vineyard

Click on any image to enlarge

“DRUNK” BIRDS CAUSING A STIR FOR LOCAL VINEYARD AND AREA RESIDENTS

Over the past few weeks area residents have been noticing erratic behavior from some members of the local bird population.  “At first I thought they were just playing and enjoying our recent warm weather,” said local resident, Cleatus Thayer, “but then I noticed them bumping into things.”  According to one town official who didn’t want his name disclosed, the highest concentration of these reports are coming from the vicinity of the Frudee Family Winery, located nearby.  The local winery is owned and operated by the Frudee family and was started twenty years ago when the family moved to the area from Hackensack, NJ where they operated a waste water treatment plant. 

Because of the numerous reports regarding this avian anomaly, local ornithologist, Itsa Beekorbill has been called in to evaluate the situation.  According to Ms. Beekorbill, her preliminary findings point to the birds being, for lack of a better term, drunk.  When asked how she arrived at this conclusion the ornithologist said, “Well, my first clue came as soon as I arrived on scene.  Normally it’s an all day process to catch a few birds for examination but, in this instance, it was easy.”  Ms. Beekorbill went on to say that dozens of birds were on the ground either “passed out” or stumbling around.  “There was a small murder of crows sitting in a circle singing what sounded a lot like an off key version of ‘Margaritaville’.” However, the strangest behavior she witnessed was what appeared to be a Mountain Blue Jay holding back a Cardinal’s head tuft with its wing while the Cardinal was bent over “throwing up.”

Upon questioning, most of the members of the Frudee Family Winery seemed as confused by the birds’ behavior as the rest of the residents.  Doodie Frudee, co-owner of the winery said they have no idea what is causing the birds to become drunk, as the winery’s barrels and vats are completely enclosed, but will cooperate in any way possible to determine the cause of their drunken behavior. However, Prudee Frudee, their chief winemaker, was able to provide what could be at least a partial explanation.  She revealed the winery has discovered a new fermenting process that will greatly shorten the time between grapes on the vine to grapes in the bottle.  “We’ll be unveiling the results of our discovery at a wine tasting being held at Crippen’s Inn and Restaurant in Blowing Rock on April 16 at 10:30pm during the Blue Ridge Food and Wine Festival.  Unfortunately, there is a remote possibility the birds’ behavior could be as a result of our new process.”  When asked if it would be a good idea to prevent the birds’ inebriation Mrs. Frudee agreed, saying, “This needs to stop! Nothing good will come from having a bunch of drunk birds flying overhead.”